HeckNo After a sexual assault: what to do, and what can wait
- Nothing has to be decided today. The examination is the one part with a clock.
- Most reports end without a conviction. That is the system, not you.
- If someone tells you: I believe you, it wasn’t your fault, what do you want?
AFTERWARDS
You are allowed to decide nothing yet.
Not whether to report it, not whether to tell anyone, not what to call it. Those choices stay open longer than people think.
REPORTING, HONESTLY
Reporting is a real option and a hard one.
It can take a long time, it can be intrusive, and most cases do not end in a conviction.
That is the system's record, not yours.
That is a fact about the system, not a reason you should or should not do it.
of victims report to the police. The other 85% are not doing it wrong.Office for National Statistics, Crime Survey for England and Wales, year ending March 2025.
A case is reported and ends without a conviction. What does that tell you?
Answer: Mostly that this is what usually happens
Most reported cases do not end in a conviction. It is worth knowing beforehand rather than afterwards, because a case that goes nowhere says a great deal about the system and very little about her.
THE PART WITH A CLOCK ON IT
Deciding can wait. Evidence cannot.
If you might report later, a forensic examination is time-sensitive even when you have not decided.
Which of these has a clock on it?
Answer: A forensic examination
The examination. It is the one part of this with a deadline, which is why it comes up first even when nothing else has been settled. Reporting, telling someone, naming it — those stay open longer than people think.
You can have one and still decide nothing.
Many countries let you have one and hold the evidence while you think.
Does having a forensic examination mean you have reported it?
Answer: No — many countries hold the evidence while you decide
No. In many countries you can be examined and have the evidence held while you think, without having reported anything. Which of them you are in is worth asking, because this is the step that keeps every other choice open.
IF SOMEONE TELLS YOU
At some point, someone will tell you.
Believe her out loud.
“I believe you” and “it wasn’t your fault” are the two sentences that matter most, and they cost nothing.
Then hand it back to her.
Then ask what she wants, rather than deciding for her.
Even the help can repeat it.
Being taken over by a well-meaning friend repeats the part where someone else was in charge of her body.
She has told you. What is the first thing to do?
Answer: Say you believe her, then ask what she wants
Say you believe her. “I believe you” and “it wasn’t your fault” are the two sentences that matter most, and they cost nothing. Then ask what she wants rather than deciding for her.
This app is not support. The Help button has the crisis lines for your country, and they are staffed by people who do this properly.
Sources
- Office for National Statistics, Crime Survey for England and Wales, year ending March 2025.
- Tark & Kleck, 2014 — resistance and injury in the US National Crime Victimization Survey.