HeckNo Who actually commits sexual assault? Usually someone she knows
- A stranger in a car park is the rare version. Someone you know, indoors, is the usual one.
- It starts with small tests, then with being moved somewhere quieter.
- None of this is a list of things for you to stop doing.
THE PICTURE EVERYONE CARRIES
Who actually does this
Nearly everyone pictures a stranger.
If you picture an attacker, you probably picture a stranger. The numbers say otherwise.
Preparing for the wrong night has a cost.
That gap matters: it means most people prepare for the wrong situation, and are least ready for the likely one.
of rapes of women are by a partner, an ex, or someone else she knows. A stranger accounts for 15%.Office for National Statistics, Crime Survey for England and Wales, year ending March 2025.
happen in the victim’s own home. 8% happen in a street, park or other open public space.Office for National Statistics, Crime Survey for England and Wales, year ending March 2025.
Where does most of it happen?
Answer: Indoors, in her home or his
Indoors. In England and Wales, 8% of rapes of women happen in a street, park or other open public space. The rest happen where she already is, usually with someone she already knows. That is the harder one to see coming.
Office for National Statistics, Crime Survey for England and Wales, year ending March 2025.So the course is weighted the other way.
The skill that gets used most is noticing early and leaving — not fighting.
So what do these numbers mean you should change?
Answer: Nothing about your own behaviour
Nothing about you. The numbers say where to pay attention, not what to stop doing. The rule this app is built on is the CDC’s: a programme like this one must never place responsibility for being assaulted on the person reading it, implied or otherwise.
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — Sexual Violence Prevention Resource for Action.BEFORE ANYTHING HAPPENS
What it looks like beforehand
It starts smaller than you would expect.
People who assault someone they know usually test first. Small boundary crossings that are easy to explain away.
A joke that is not quite a joke.
Standing too close and not moving back. A hand that stays too long. A favour you did not ask for that is later a debt.
A man you know stands closer than you like, and does not move back when you shift away. What is that?
Answer: A boundary being tested, whether or not he means it that way
Treat it as a test. Most of the time it will be awkwardness, and you lose nothing by moving, saying something, or leaving. Standing too close and not moving back is on every description of how this begins with someone known.
The next step moves you.
Then comes separation — a reason to move somewhere quieter, a lift home, a drink upstairs, a door closed.
If you keep one line from this lesson, keep this one.
If you notice nothing else, notice being moved away from other people.
At a party he offers to carry your drink upstairs, where it is quieter. Which part matters most?
Answer: Upstairs — being moved away from other people
Upstairs. Spiking is real — 5% of victims thought they had been drugged — and it is the one everybody already watches for. Knowing him for years is not protection either. Being moved somewhere with fewer people in it is the part that goes unnoticed.
Office for National Statistics, Crime Survey for England and Wales, year ending March 2025.THE FEELING BEFORE THE REASON
Trusting the feeling
You will feel it before you can say why.
It is not paranoia and you do not owe anyone an explanation for acting on it.
Both of those are allowed.
Being rude is allowed. Being wrong is allowed. Getting out of a room is not a thing you have to justify.
You want to leave, and you have no reason you could defend. What do you owe him?
Answer: Nothing
Nothing. Wanting to go is the whole reason, and it does not have to hold up to being argued with. Leaving early costs you one awkward evening. There is no rule that says you have to earn the door.
Sources
- Office for National Statistics, Crime Survey for England and Wales, year ending March 2025.
- US National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey.
- EU Gender-Based Violence Survey (Eurostat, FRA and EIGE), 2024 — 114,023 respondents.
- US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — Sexual Violence Prevention Resource for Action.